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[n. germ. Kucka-fur-drüken]

Ancient German form of meditation.

Through sophisticated and secret techniques of holding back their shit, devotees can, after a lifetime of training, achieve emotional ecstasy and spiritual enlightenment.

The roots of Kackeverdrücken are believed to be found in pagan fertility rituals but little is actually known.
It has never been possible to recreate any good feelings under controlled environments. Test subjects are complaining about the excruciating pain in the ass and long time practitioners are usually shy by nature and uncooperative.
"It is hard to build up the right pressure if you know you are being watched", explains a devotee who would like to stay anonymous because his wife doesn't understand him. All that is known about Kackeverdrücken comes from one of the rare interviews with his Highpressure Xristian. He likened the experience to envisioning oneself selling groceries out of a dark, very small store.

Based on what minimal data is available, scientists theorize that by building up enormous pressure in the digestive tract, it might be possible that endorphins are squeezed out of the hypothalamus and released into the brain and thus leading to the enlightenment of the practitioner.

Kackeverdrücken is easily recognizable by an awkward body position, strained expression, slight reddening of the face and a glassy, "in the distance" kind of look. Well experienced practitioners have been observed to flatten their ears to the sides of their skulls during the initial build up of pressure. The exact purpose of that has yet to be studied. Probably it has something to do with raised alertness, a reflex dating back to the days when Kackeverdrücken was still a ritual to attract young virgins.

Followers of Kackeverdrücken group together in small communities in remote valleys. There they spend their day with a little farming, eating a carefully chosen diet of simple vegetable proteins and of course extensive sessions of Kackeverdrücken. It has been rumored that his Highpressure Xristian can hold his shit for days without breathing.
Only the such spiritually advanced are allowed to enrich their diet with onions for extra pressure and aroma. They usually live by themselves in isolated caves.

In every community one can find a group of virgins. Those virgins keep the ring muscles of the devotees smooth and elastic by regularly massaging them with their tongues. Huge supplies of Mentos® candies are stored in every community which are rectally applied in regular intervals for freshness. Novices though, are only permitted an occasional
Tic Tac®.

The picture shows Sigung Andee, second only to his Highpressure Xristian in enlightenment.
"He, who throws the faintest shadow of them all".

See his Highpressure reaching the second degree.

 

Text and Photos by Andy "Sigung Andee" Maluche
and Christian "Highpressure" Zoller
Edited by Rachel "Bunny" Mayo

 
 

 

The Art of Andy Maluche - copyright


All pictures and text can be reproduced for any noncommercial purpose.