[n. germ. Kucka-fur-drüken]
Ancient German form of meditation.
Through sophisticated and secret techniques of
holding back their shit, devotees can, after a lifetime of training,
achieve emotional ecstasy and spiritual enlightenment.
The roots of Kackeverdrücken are believed
to be found in pagan fertility rituals but little is actually known.
It has never been possible to recreate any good feelings under controlled
environments. Test subjects are complaining about the excruciating
pain in the ass and long time practitioners are usually shy by nature
"It is hard to build up the right pressure if you know you
are being watched", explains a devotee who would like to stay
anonymous because his wife doesn't understand him. All that is known
about Kackeverdrücken comes from one of the rare interviews
with his Highpressure Xristian. He likened the experience to envisioning
oneself selling groceries out of a dark, very small store.
Based on what minimal data is available, scientists
theorize that by building up enormous pressure in the digestive
tract, it might be possible that endorphins are squeezed out of
the hypothalamus and released into the brain and thus leading to
the enlightenment of the practitioner.
Kackeverdrücken is easily recognizable by
an awkward body position, strained expression, slight reddening
of the face and a glassy, "in the distance" kind of look.
Well experienced practitioners have been observed to flatten their
ears to the sides of their skulls during the initial build up of
pressure. The exact purpose of that has yet to be studied. Probably
it has something to do with raised alertness, a reflex dating back
to the days when Kackeverdrücken was still a ritual to attract
Followers of Kackeverdrücken group together
in small communities in remote valleys. There they spend their day
with a little farming, eating a carefully chosen diet of simple
vegetable proteins and of course extensive sessions of Kackeverdrücken.
It has been rumored that his Highpressure Xristian can hold his
shit for days without breathing.
Only the such spiritually advanced are allowed to enrich their diet
with onions for extra pressure and aroma. They usually live by themselves
in isolated caves.
In every community one can find a group of virgins.
Those virgins keep the ring muscles of the devotees smooth and elastic
by regularly massaging them with their tongues. Huge supplies of
Mentos® candies are stored in every community which are rectally
applied in regular intervals for freshness. Novices though, are
only permitted an occasional
The picture shows Sigung Andee, second only to
his Highpressure Xristian in enlightenment.
"He, who throws the faintest shadow of them all".
See his Highpressure reaching the second degree.
Text and Photos by Andy "Sigung Andee" Maluche
and Christian "Highpressure" Zoller
Edited by Rachel "Bunny" Mayo